i watched Food, Inc on Easter sunday (conveniently right after i finished devouring some delicious ham), and it really has gotten me started thinking more about what i'm eating. i guess that's the point? i haven't decided for sure if vegetarianism is the way to go yet - though i haven't eaten any meat since then. i have been given some reading recommendations that i plan to check out at the libary this weekend, and i have also been trying to find more information online. i'm also going to get austin to watch the movie with me this weekend and get his opinions on it. i have s-l-o-w-l-y been eating/buying more organic/ecofriendly items over the past few months, and that has definitely kicked into high gear lately. i love it! my one complaint, however, is the cost. why must it cost at least $1 more than non-organic foods?! in the long run, though, it will be worth it. if anyone has any suggestions of new delicious foods to cook, please share! i'm excited about this new phase of my life, and seeing where this takes me!

sometimes i wonder what the heck God has in store for my life. is this it? is this all there is? there has to be more, i just don't know what. am i destined to be a single girl who works at a retail store, desperately searching for a real job, while the rest of my friends get married, have kids, go to med school? is my best friend going to be an orange cat for the rest of my life? how to i get to a new place in life without losing my old life? where is God when i need him? why does crap happen?

at this point in my life, i've been having a huge problem with God. i love Him, i know He exists, i know He is a good God... i just don't feel like He's good to me. how do i get there?

i know i have a good, blessed life. i have wonderful parents who support and love me, great sisters, a beautiful country to live in, and a fantastic boyfriend who loves me for who i am and is committed to our relationship. then why isn't enough? why does something feel like it's missing?

lately i have really been struggling with the feeling of blessing others. you know those people in your life, even if you've only met them once or a few times, that just bless people by simply being themselves? sometimes you can even see them on tv, that they just reach out to people around them. this is what i long for. i long to have an effect on others around me in a positive way, so that others can see the Creator in my life.

i recently read sex god by rob bell. (more on this to come, as i digest it all.) one of the chapters talks about the love that Johnny Cash shared with June Carter Cash and how it just spilled over and affected the lives of everyone around them. they were able to affect all of the people that saw them perform, heard their music, watched them interact together, just by being themselves.

i want that.

i want people to look at me and say "i want to know her."

i want people to look at me and say "she is a blessing."

i want people to look at me and say "Christ is living in her."

one of my good friends was baptized while i was home over Easter, and she had such an amazing testimony to share. she has grown up in a Christian home, but the way she talked about God and what he's done in her life was like she was talking about her best friend, her lover, her other half. and that is what He is to her. i was so blessed by her outward declaration of faith, but it also really got me thinking about what ways i show that Jesus is the difference in my life. i want others to know that i am His, whether they meet me for 30 seconds or have known me for 15 years. it is something i long for and am seriously going to pray about. any thoughts or advice or encouragement welcome.


on a lighter note, i LOVED being home for Easter, even though it was only for the weekend. i have come to the conclusion that my parents can really be close friends, and being home really demonstrated that for me. i spent a lot of time just hanging out with them, and i loved it.

i also recently ran in the pittsburgh marathon, which was, in one word, deadly. lets just say i didn't go to work the next day due the the fact that i could barely get out of bed, and when i did it was an adventure just walking down the hallway.

work is work, the most exciting parts recently being 3 total hip replacements and a 6 week old river otter from the zoo presenting symptoms of distempter and broken ribs from it's mom beating it up. it was adorable and possibly the only chance i'll get to hold a baby river otter.

home again with almost the entire family and boyfriend in T-8 days. CAN'T WAIT.

my life as of now:

• i live in pittsburgh, pa, with two of my favorite people.
• i sleep with two orange cats, one real, one not. ones name is samson, the other is king louie. you can decide which is which.
• my job is to play with animal blood all day.
• i am slowly becoming a steelers fan, but will always love the patriots.
• i miss my family.
• my boyfriend is unbeatable. no, really.
• i wish this journal was filled with deeper thoughts and updated more often.
• i wrote my own version of a "bucket list" when i was a sophomore in college. so far i've knocked 8 things off the list, including, but not limited to, eating an entire meal with no hands.
• i am really really good at guitar hero.
• i never get sick. like...ever.
• TLC is my addiction.
• i can't wait to live in the same state as my boyfriend.
• i am twenty-three years old. in one way, i feel so old, in others i feel so young.
• moving to a state without a guaranteed jobs takes guts. and also a backup plan. or two.
• i crave the enjoyment of christian friends and a church family i feel at home with. it is elusive but waiting to be found.
• i miss the friendship i used to have with two of my closest male friends, and am slowly accepting the fact they won't ever be that way again...girls aren't supposed to be best friends with guys, right? growing up kinda sucks that way.
• i long to have a deeper relationship with Christ but find i lack the willpower, time, energy, etc. to really persue it. i feel stuck in the place i am in...i want that relationship, but find it slips so easily from my mind all the time. i put everything else in front, and just plain forget about God. it hurts my heart knowing that God wants me to come to him in everything, yet i don't.
• my goal this year is to find something i am passionate about and pursue it with everything i can.

until next time, hopefully sooner rather than later.

(i tend to forget i even have this journal!:/)

so i realize it's been a while, but it always is between posts so i guess that's nothing new. i am a recently graduated woman who is currently searching for her dream job and yet trying to enjoy the uncertainties of life at the same time.

during the several months of hiatus from this journal, i have encountered the death of a best friend, the heartbreak that comes with the loss of love, the stress, uncertainty and feeling of success that comes with graduating from college, and especially the joy and happiness that is found when you begin a relationship with someone that feels as if they were what you had been waiting for. i have known and trusted friends that i have learned shouldn't be trusted, and i have known and trusted friends that i have learned will always be there for you. i have learned that sisters are the best friends you can have and will always receive you with open arms when you drive like crazy and arrive at 3 am, just for a few precious hours with someone that truly understands heartbreak. i've learned that a relationship can be one-sided, and that only makes me realize the blessing of being in a relationship with a wonderful man who cares about me more than i will ever realize. i've learned that life isn't fair, that things you expect to always be there won't be, that death can and will claim everything that you love at one point or another. i have also learned the happiness that comes with the release of bitterness, the relief felt when all jealousy, hatred, distrustfulness, uncertainty, and regret are burned out of your life, never to be an overwhelming presence in your life again. i have learned that college friends are the best there are, and there is never another chance to make friendships like that again. i have learned a lot.

i'm on vacation in sunny Florida with my entire family, including Ben and Austin. i'm so excited to be spending a week with the love of my life, relaxing and just soaking up the sun and love and each other.
til next time.
:)

things i am looking forward to over thanksgiving break:

-visiting ESVC to see ryan and everyone. and play with puppies and kittens.
-teitur/kt tunstall concert in the city
-playing with LEO
-eating a ridiculous amount of food on thanksgiving and then allll the leftovers
-an amazing 5 nights of sleeping in my own bed with leonardo and sally
-spending time with sarah and mom and dad
-hanging out with benjamin and ralph
-having no homework for 6 days
-homecooked meals
-gilbert
-cutting down our christmas tree!!!
-ridiculous black friday shopping with sarah
-going to my church
-everything

I AM SO EXCITED TO GO HOME.

wish list:
new cleats
colbie caillat's cd
red heels
tickets to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra's christmas concert


went to see julian velard last night in syracuse. hot stuff. it was a lot of fun and worth the drive. even if the venue did serve feta cheese and salmon waffles. not even kidding you.

i love good hair days. i also love not having class tomorrow.